Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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