i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
