If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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