All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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