Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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