Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
