When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
