you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
