if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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