do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My liver just had a heart attack.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
