sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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