Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
