I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
