I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
