He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
