How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Randomize
