??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize