Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
