forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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