Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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