Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize