mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
