my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
