Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
