after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
