why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
