she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
