nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
