I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize