mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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