Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
