i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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