I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
