I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
