My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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