Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
