Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
