When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize