it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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