After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
