I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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