Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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