i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
