capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I have feelings that need drinking.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
