i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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