You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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