I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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