would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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