i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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