sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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