I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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