So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
