A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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