So drunk its hurt
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
