guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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