??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Randomize