Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
