Can i not drive my cunt home
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
