I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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