So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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