how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
