There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
