does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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