we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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