I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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